The Post Office informs me that Thee Tourettes received more fan mail this holiday season than Santa Claus and Anthony Fauci combined, so I guess it’s time for me, Pinky Tourette, wielder of the Answer Pen, to respond to some of your burning queries with my damp replies.
Keanu R. of Hollywood, CA asks: My feet are on wrong. My big toes are on the outside and my pinky toes touch when my feet stand together. Should I spring for foot reassignment surgery and have them switched to the opposite legs?
A: Absolutely not. Your question concerns me deeply, Keanu. You clearly suffer from foot dysphoria, a condition that wracks its victims with anxiety and shame, driving many to desperate acts. We should all be proud of our bodies, no matter how freakish and disgusting they are. Don’t be put off by the fact that people chortle and gasp when you go swimming in public, or shower you with condiments from the hot dog stand. Hold your head high and wear those condiments proudly. You are beautiful just the way you are. But if you do decide to correct those hideous monstrosities at the end of your legs, do it the right way. Replace them with hands. After all, human toes are just failed fingers. Just ask any monkey.
Aleister C. of Thelema asks: I understand that Bashful Tourette suffered from crippling anxiety and benefitted from the antidepressant drug esketamine. I’ve since heard good things about ibogaine. Do you have any info on that?
Like esketamine, ibogaine is a psychedelic that’s been used to treat various ailments, including addiction and PTSD. The central African shrub Tabernanthe iboga has been used in Bwiti religious ceremonies since the 1800s or earlier, with natives of Gabon eating iboga bark to experience hallucinatory visions. Extracts from iboga bark are used to make ibogaine, which has shown promising results for decades. Quoting from Time Magazine: “In 1991, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) decided to fund animal research into ibogaine; the resulting studies (and later ones) in rodents found that ibogaine reduced how much heroin, morphine, cocaine and alcohol the animals consumed.” Better still, researchers have discovered that ibogaine “even had antidepressant effects in rodents.” Putting aside the fact that this may put some junior research assistants out of work – those whose job it is to locate drug-addicted, depressed rats – this is a genuine breakthrough. We can look forward to a time when all our rodents are happy, well-adjusted contributors to society, perhaps wearing red trunks and singing along with ducks in sailor suits. As to ibogaine’s use in humans, it’s early yet and while there are some very positive preliminary findings, there are also potential side-effects to consider, so I wouldn’t hold your breath just yet. But in the long-term, my prediction is that therapeutic psychedelics are the next marijuana. Stock investors, take note.
Eiji T. of Tokyo asks: Can you help me get the word out about my new Kickstarter campaign? I’m raising funds to create a new line of Godzilla toys. They’ll be life-size and require 60 people to operate.
A: Sounds like a winner, Eiji. Tourettes fans, do your thing! And while you’re at it, check out my new Kickstarter as well. I’m creating a new line of fake spaghetti. It’s called “Impasta.”
Dr. Mehmet O. of Mendacity, NJ asks: If the “normal” human temperature is 98.6, then how come when it’s 98.6 degrees outside we feel hot?
A: Excellent question, Dr. Mehmet. The truth is our bodies are internal combustion engines, constantly generating heat. Your blood is basically lava and your guts are perpetually simmering, which is why when you cut someone open, they steam. (You’ll maybe have to trust me on that.) If you’ve ever suffered heartburn, it’s because your sizzling heart is literally overheating, revving up like an old locomotive with too much coal. Normally the temperature outside serves to cool us off and keep our bio-thermostat from blowing through the roof, but when the ambient temp gets too hot, the cooling machinery stumbles and our body parts start to slowly roast. Hence, we feel hot. Too much of that too quickly and we erupt into spontaneous combustion and promptly self-cremate to a pile of ash. Except Johnny Storm. (Psst… ask me next time about those crazy cosmic rays.)
Vincent van G. of France asks: Do you have any advice for insomnia sufferers? I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since that shaving accident.
A: You’re asking the wrong question, Vince. What you need to ask yourself is what exactly is a good night’s sleep? The definition varies widely from individual to individual. An elephant, for example, sleeps only two hours a day, and a giraffe barely half that. Fish and frogs don’t sleep at all, did you know that? It’s true; I read it in Highlights magazine. It also said that brown bats sleep 20 hours a day. Lazy bastards. So it’s important to ask yourself: would you rather be a sleepy bat or a perky trout? I think we all know the answer to that one.
Alex T. of Jeopardy, CA asks: The end.
Just where exactly do you think you are, Alex?
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