Recently Happy joined me for a supply run to H Mart to stock up on green onion kimchi, fish cakes, baked squid snacks, and frozen red bean cakes. In the overcrowded corridor leading into the store, that gauntlet of temptation stuffed with must-haves and what-the-hells, she spotted it. A display of toilet paper. Not just any toilet paper, mind you. Toilet paper imprinted on every sheet with the cold, stark countenance of Hello Kitty.
There will be no prizes for guessing what nickname I gave to Hello Kitty toilet paper.
I, Pinky Tourette, wielder of the mighty shopping cart and pantry-stocker of rare distinction, can assure you that Thee Tourettes are now well supplied with TP for the next lockdown. If there comes another shortage, we can easily provide the entire neighborhood for months. Perhaps even the whole state.
Happy, as her many followers well know, is a Hello Kitty fanatic. When we tour, she’s the one sporting the Hello Kitty/KISS backpack, complete with Gene Simmons makeup and tongue. The Hello Kitty luggage. The Hello Kitty t-shirts and puffy sweaters and cozy wool hats. Back home, she’s stocked the place with a Hello Kitty toaster and rice cooker and microwave and DVD player and TV set.
Not that she uses them. The DVD player, for instance, hasn’t seen a disc for at least two presidents, maybe three. Doesn’t matter. It’s HK, it stays on display. All of us keep an eye out for Kittybilia while traveling to add to the collection. Fans likewise gift her with offbeat items.
And there’s plenty of it to go around. As anyone with one working eye and a rusty modem can tell you, Hello Kitty is among the most marketed characters on the planet. It’d be easier to name a product she’s not on. You can get HK scooters, HK cars, HK condoms, HK bongs, HK beer, wine and liquor, HK guns. Beds, socks, jewelry, wedding dresses, perfume, Doc Martens, feminine hygiene products, contact lenses. Guitars, cellphones, toilet seats, nipple tassels, coffins, gravestones, chainsaws. I am making none of this up.
All from a character who was created simply to sell product. And yes, I recognize that all characters are invented to sell product in one fashion or another. But most have some function in the universe other than just selling product. Not Kitty.
Sanrio designed her as an alternative to Snoopy, the iconic character they previously licensed for marketing purposes until they got the notion to create their own mascot and pocket the intellectual property fees. Kitty White – only nominally a cat, incidentally; ostensibly she’s a young girl with pointy ears atop her head, whiskers, no mouth, and mitten hands, who lives in London and has a twin sister named Mimmy and boyfriend Dear Daniel and, in a charming example of intraspecies slavery, owns a pet cat that looks quite like her – was launched in 1974 and has since appeared on well over 50,000 licensed products (plus probably twice as many bootlegged ones).
You can eat at Hello Kitty cafes, visit Hello Kitty theme parks, fly on a Hello Kitty airplane – complete with hostesses in Hello Kitty costumes and food molded into Hello Kitty shapes.
The crossover with KISS was a natural, combining two aggressively marketed cartoon franchises appealing equally to children and to adults with nostalgic and/or adolescent tendencies.
Back when Happy was just a toddler, she was, like so many gullible kids, deeply into Mickey Mouse, later dumping him for the Cookie Monster. For half a second she was a fan of My Melody, a Sanrio rabbit-girl creation that didn’t have the legs of Kitty. Since then it’s all Kitty, all the time.
On the one hand it’s easy to dismiss Kitty as a juvenile marketing ploy. At the same time, the appeal is obvious. Mickey Mouse never grew up. He’s childish. Kitty White is even more basic and cute and innocent… yet she sells vodka, vehicles, and vibrators. You can’t outgrow Kitty, because the products don’t have a sell-by age. Fans can continue to follow her into adulthood and instead of cuddling into cozy Kitty PJs can trade up to a sexy-ass Kitty cosplay costume. Innocent/frisky. Best of both worlds. Then, after sharing some Hello Kitty booze, when your Hello Kitty condom fails atop your Hello Kitty sheets you can give birth in a Hello Kitty maternity ward. And start the cycle all over again.
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